The Vulgar Birthday Song

Happy birthday - ugh! Happy birthday - ugh! May the cities in your wake burn like candles on your cake. Happy birthday - ugh! Happy birthday - ugh! Death, destruction and despair, people dying everywhere... Your servants steal, your wife’s untrue, your children plot to murder you... Hear the women wail and weep, kill them all but spare the sheep... You must be wedded very soon, the baby’s due the next full moon... You’re a period cook, it’s true, just ask the beetles in your stew... We brought you linen, white as clouds, now let’s sit and sew your shroud... It’s your birthday, never fear, you’ll be dead this time next year... ‘Twas bad enough your hair turned grey, now it’s falling out they say... The Black Plague has struck your town, you yourself feel quite run down... Now you’ve reached the age you are, your demise cannot be far... They steal your sheep, your gold, your house, take your sheep but not your spouse... You saved the damsel in distress, now your social life’s a mess... Now you’ve lived another year, and your death is drawing near... People dying on the earth, go ahead, eat your dessert... Any man who sings this far, we know what a fool you are... Vulgar birthday songs are drear, just be glad it’s stopping here...