The Monster Hunter Ballad Words and music by Gray Rinehart © 2012They say that what you don't know, it won't hurt you But everything "they" tell you is a lie Jethro Tull had it right, there are beasties in the night Better keep a loaded weapon by your side Don't you worry, little darlin', Monster Hunter's on the call Protecting you while you sleep safe and sound We've got the bounty on the beasties and the Good Lord on our side Anytime the scary monsters come around . . . we'll put them down I believe the best vampire is a dead one And most werewolves aren't all that civilized I sure don't want one of them dating my daughter You know they only sparkle when they're on fire Don't be afraid now, little darlin', Monster Hunter's on the case Against everything that goes bump in the night Lock your doors and draw the shades and keep your weapon close at hand We'll do everything to get to you in time . . . and you'll be fine When the monster's at the door (well) you can run or you can fight You can call on 9-1-1 for your protection The boys in blue won't be as much help as your trusty little friend Samuel Colt or Glock or good old Smith & Wesson Hold your ground now, little darlin', Monster Hunter's on the way Stand and fight, and this may be your finest hour Whatever monster's got your cornered we will fight them one or all We'll keep the peace through superior firepower . . . 2nd Amendment firepower Bridge: The Queen of Elves lives in a trailer in the middle of the woods Drinking beer and eating Ho-Hos by the score The orcs all like to party, you see, they're just misunderstood They're our friends and allies in the monster war (So) Don't you worry, little darlin', Monster Hunter's on the call Protecting you while you sleep safe and sound We've got the bounty on the beasties and the Good Lord on our side Anytime the scary monsters come around . . . (repeat from start of chorus) we'll put them down we'll put them down we'll put them down