When I was a neo I went to hotels
And attended some s-f conventions
I had times that were good and some that were bad
And some that were too rough to mention
But one fateful night I walked into a room
Because they were playing a singable tune
If only I’d known I was sealing my doom
I’d’ve sworn of conventions forever
And the filkers all sang “Banned from Argo”
A song that I’d not heard before
Some made to complain as they heard the refrain
And others made straight for the door
So I plopped myself down and I sang right along
It was easy to pick up the chorus
I heard one fan whisper halfway through the song
“Oh, why are they trying to bore us?”
But as the song ended, another began
A parody made by a talented fan
But this was about Leia, Luke, Darth and Han
And I thought to myself, “Oh, how clever.”
And the filkers all filked “Banned from Argo”
With the tune I had just heard before
But I couldn’t complain; I could sing the refrain
And who could want anything more
I had a good time, then I left for my bed
And soon the convention was over
I had some nice filksongs I sang in my head
Of filktapes I now was an owner
At conventions that followed I joined in the filk
With voices like burlap and some like fine silk
But I couldn’t believe how that one tune was milked
For rewards that were far less than handsome
And the filkers all killed “Banned from Argo”
With puns that I couldn’t believe
And I moaned and I cried as the song’s beauty died
And I prayed to dear God for reprieve
Soon the time came when I felt the desire
To write some filks of my own making
I looked for a subject that just might inspire
A tune that would set hearts to quaking
But as I began, it soon became plain
That a certain filksong had infected my brain
“My god,” I exclaimed, “I am going insane
Or worse, I’ve contracted a virus.”
And all I could think of was “Argo”
Of no other substance or style
And all I could do to reboot what I knew
Was to, sadly, go mundane a while
So for a few years I stayed clear from the cons
Or rather, I had gafiated
And the therapy sessions I ventured upon
Helped me get reorientated
I went back to s-f conventions and soon
I went to the filks where they still sang the tune
I discovered with joy that I now was immune
To that song going all ‘round my brainpan
So I no longer hate “Banned from Argo”
Though I still hear it more than I’d wish
So if you must sing, you can sing anything
Just please don’t serve up so much Fish
[tune changes to “Waltzing Matilda”]
We’re banned from Argo, we’re banned from Argo
We’re banned from Argo for just having fun
We had a jolly shore leave, there for just three days or four
But Argo just doesn’t want us anymore