A Battle With the Elements
Words and music by Jane A. Robinson © 1987


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There is a little table periodically arranged,
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And it's covered up with elements and properties and names.
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Diameters and valences, ionic charge and masses,
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With outer shells and inner shells, with subgroups, groups and classes.
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But no matter how I struggle to manipulate and twist 'em,
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I must admit, to my chagrin, their names won't make a system!
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Oh, the elements, the elements, their names just don't make any sense.

Some are named for animals and other sundry beasts,
Like WULF-RAM, OX-ygen, and even MANGANESE (that's the plural of mongoose).
Others are dead chemists like LAWRENC-ium and SAM-arium,
Whose doctors couldn't CUR-ium, so thought it best to BARIUM.
Those doctors ought to HELIUM and not so much per-TERBIUM
By standing rather FERM-ium to feed them tea with ERB-ium. . .
Oh, the elements, the elements, their names just don't make any sense.

Many bear the classic names from old mythology. . .
URAN-ium, NEPTUN-ium, a "dash" of MERCURY.
THOR-ium, PLUTO-nium, the gods stand side by side;
But what has chem to do with them? I still am myth-tified.
If you are cut use IODINE, if nauseous, MAGNESIUM.
A NICKEL says the COPPERS wouldn't hesitate to CESIUM!
Oh, the elements, the elements, their names just don't make any sense.

GERMANIUM's a potted plant and INDIUM is ink,
And HAF-nium plus HOL-mium is one point five, I think. . .
KRYPTON must be found in crypts and SOD-ium in sod,
RHOD-ium at rodeos and COB-alt on the cob.
Find radical BERKELIUM in sunny CALIFORNIUM,
Look for FLUOR-ine on the floor--perhaps of the PALLADIUM.
Oh, the elements, the elements, their names just don't make any sense.

You use a lot of ARSENIC if arson is your calling;
FRANC-ium and GALL-ium are, frankly, pretty galling.
But he who labeled 1-0-1 had logic in his heart,
And he named it after Mendeleev, the guy who made the chart.
EINSTEIN-ium commemorates a physicist exquisite;
Follow Dorothy to OS-mium and try to find the wizard!
Oh, the elements, the elements, their names just don't make any sense.

As if the names weren't bad enough, abbreviate them, please.
Search carefully among the LEAD to find its "P"s and "b"s.
You'll "Ag"-onize for SILVER, there's a "Fe" for IRON now;
You'll search that chart in "vein" for GOLD, for I won't tell you "Au"!
Well, nowhere in POTASSIUM resides a single "K,"
And as for "N"s in SODIUM, well I must tell you "Na"!
Oh, the elements, the elements, their names just don't make any sense.

Well, there they stand in tidy rows from ASTATINE to ZINC,
The liquid ones are colored blue, the gassy ones are pink.
Their properties and numbers vary periodically,
But those elemental names are still Chem-mystery to me!
Oh, the elements, the elements, their names just don't make any sense!
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Oh, the elements, the elements, their names just don't make any sense!